drive like a local

So I apologise for the lack of blogging.  Life has been crazy busy, I have so many things to blog about and will most likely stagger the posts I will write this week, but this one has been in my head for some time now, as it really has been what has taken up most of my time away from the Internet.

As I am sure you can tell from the above picture,I passed my driving test! The card was made by my very talented friend Sue from Bert and Daisy Designs, who does a range of other mixed media crafty things, that would be ideal for Christmas.  So I have been able to drive forever, but never really needed to pass my test, I worked in London, lived in taxi's and always had someone else to drive me about.  Circumstances changed, and I got my act together and actually did it.   I failed a test a few weeks back for going TOO SLOWLY.  For those of your that know me, I doubt that anyone could believe that I would be slow and quiet and hesitant doing anything, especially driving, but nerves got the better of me and a squirrel ran out on me just before my test, and i quite like squirrels.  So with no reflection on my driving skills, the day of my second test I clipped a kerb at 55mph, i think it had jutted out due to a tree root or something, and just hit the thing.  I was gutted, I nearly put my head on the steering wheel and said lets just turn back. I was about 3/4 of the way through the test, so drove the rest of the test in a proper huff and like a spastic, thinking I had NO chance of passing other than to make an inappropriate pass at him, which could have actually secured the failing thinking on it.  We pulled up, my instructor came over, i wound the window down, he gave me the DID YOU FUCKING PASS?! look, and i shook my head, and whispered "I hit a kerb ffs" determined to hold back the tears.  So anyway, he looked at me and said in the most monotone voice EVER "I am happy to tell you that you passed your practical driving test today." I screamed FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK

really loud in his stupid monotone face.  I could not believe it. We drove home and I was just so pleased with myself, although I felt like a bit of a fraud.  I really badly developed (self diagnosis here) "impostor syndrome" and lost a bit of confidence.  Driving is scary shit, you are totally in control of your own life here, and others, also I can't park.  I felt as though they had made a mistake, and would I ever get over these terrible nerves that I had?

It took a few weeks for me to get a car, as basically I earn fuck all and I don't save.  My lovely boss and my even more lovely boyfriend loaned me some money, and my dad became all dad like and we went and picked a second hand car.  Contrary to popular belief it is a GREEN not yellow, Ford KA.  Now depending on who you talk to, the car is known as the batmobile, or the green movellan, and I love it.  I love it despite that to get into the drivers side, you have to lean over the passenger seat and open the door, I love it despite that the heat is on full and you can't make it cooler or hotter, I love it despite the heat is coming out at "1" at all times and takes 45 minutes to demist the windscreen, I love it despite the screen is constantly misty, and I have to drive in a blurry visioned guessing game for about 15 minutes at the start of every journey, begging passengers to borrow garments of their clothing to rub the screen dry as payment for the lift, I love it, even though the stereo doesn't work.   The dodgy fuck who sold it to me made it difficult to get tax, through some bullshit bureaucracy so it just sat there all lonely for a few days, until I was a bit reckless and drove it anyway.  Driving is ace, I could go anywhere I wanted, which turned out was just to work and back and to the cinema in Hatfield.

The main reason for my driving, other than not become one of those mums who have to get their kids on the bus and can never go anywhere as they are confined to the route that the bus takes, is that I am in a long distance relationship and the trains can go fuck themselves.  My boyfriend lives in between Bristol and Gloucester, and I live in North London.  I knew the trip was inevitable, so I made him get the train to London on Thursday, so we could drive to the shire on Friday night, and get a return, so he could then make the return journey with me.  Sadly, the day I chose to conquer the motorway was the first torrential rain we had encountered all year.  Also, I had to take the M25 and M4.  I don't really need to explain the M25 to anyone, other than it is the most congested and busiest road in the UK.  It is basically the bastard of all motorways.  The M4 has no lights on it, and is a really fast motorway for some unknown reason.  So off we went, in the pitch black and pouring rain, exiting onto the M25.  I am not sure if you have ever seen Clueless, but the scene with Dionne going on to the freeway by accident, well it was a bit like that.  Screaming, windscreen wipers going as fast as the batmobile could take, and about 10 feet of visibility not including the back spray off lorries.

I am left handed so found it very difficult to smoke, so once I had gained a small amount of confidence, I screamed (at this point I felt I could only scream) for my boyfriend, who doesn't smoke, to light me a fag, and also tap my ash when it needed.  So after about an hour and twenty minutes of pure fear, we came off the motorway.  My arse unclenched and I calmed down a tiny bit.  We then headed onto the no lights, swervey B roads of the Cotswold's. Chicaning and swerving, with the locals driving at 80 mph beeping and flashing you to go faster round hairpin bends and up what were like mountains, which then were so engulfed in fog I thought I was in wurthering heights, or perhaps some horror movie, I could only drive at 15 mph, and I didn't know where my main beam was, only the flashy bit so I had to hold it down for an hour.  STILL NOW I AM UNSURE WHAT IS WORSE, MOTORWAY OR COUNTRY ROADS.  We made it, obviously as I wouldn't be sitting here now otherwise.

I had to do the journey alone this weekend.  Most of my pay this month is on Christmas presents, so I have only allowed myself one treat.  I have been lusting over this chunky knit cardigan from river island.

    

Instead I bought a satnav.  That says "Drive like a Local" when you start it up.  This makes me think of this:

 So I am a driver, its expensive and scary, but, the independence, is amazing.  I doubt I will have the batmobile long, but I just want to make it clear, that I love you batmobile, despite your flaws and want to thank you in advance for your dedication and cooperation for the short while we are together.